Surviving the new year

Ben Cameron | Bendigo Weekly | 30-Dec-2011 3.05PM

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Like children at Christmas, adults tend to go a bit loopy on New Year’s Eve.
Like the promise of a new cricket bat under the tree on Christmas morning, there’s the smell of new beginnings in the air after the clock strikes 12.
For whatever reason, NYE makes a lot of usually level-headed adults think: “I promise I’m going to be a heaps better person in 2012... just as soon as I hit on six women in succession and drink my own weight in vodka”.
But if you’re looking to party more like Bert, than Matthew, here’s a simple guide for surviving NYE without earning a POQ, DUI or even a DOA.

 

 

1. Don’t have big expectations for NYE: Basically it’s just another night on the tiles, but with a countdown. The man of your dreams is not going to walk up and proposition you at the bar two minutes before midnight, just because you saw it in some dodgy Hollywood chick flick.


2. Avoid Hollywood propaganda: stay away from sappy drivel like New Year’s Eve (in a similar vein to Valentine’s Day and Love Actually), they’re the biggest creator of unrealistic expectations.

3. Don’t pay a premium to breathe: putting an entirely new spin on the term “oxygen thief”, if you’re out on the town avoid places that have a special NYE cover charge. Basically you’re paying to breathe the same oxygen you do every other weekend, for free.

4. Don’t make any new year resolutions: unless you’re proudly declaring to wake up the next morning with a thumping headache, a random stranger in your bed and a vague recollection of making new year resolutions, give it a miss.

5. Avoid excessive alcohol consumption if your NYE gathering has a large quota of family members: we’ve all been guilty of kissing the wrong person at parties, but this is a bridge too far. If you’re going in for a kiss, stay on the safe side by aiming for the cheek. If that’s possible after a dozen schooners.

6. Stay calm: don’t feel bad when the clock strikes twelve and you find yourself without a suitor. It’s never a good habit to grab the closest thing available when you’re feeling lonely. Bad marriages are built on these types of foundations.

7. Be proactive: If you’re petrified about being on your Paddy Malone when the clock strikes 12, get proactive and head to the toilets just prior to the countdown. Or offer your services behind the bar to polish some glasses.

8. Avoid tears after midnight: people will instantly think your 2011 was a total nightmare, and you’re nothing but a big wuss. On the flipside, it could at least snare you a sympathy hug. And you never know where that might lead to.

If you can’t memorise all of the above, basically stay calm, lower your expectations, avoid booze, most pubs and nightclubs, Hollywood media, crying and lists dedicated to self-improvement, while attempting to kiss responsibly at all times.
On second thoughts forget it, you won’t get invited to another party ever again, and who wants to live like a mormon? But do avoid Love Actually.
Happy New Year.
b.Entertained

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