If only the contestants on Married at First Sight would listen to me. Last night I watched as Sarah and Telv’s so called marriage dissolved as inevitably as an icy pole left in the sun.

At the start of this deliciously voyeuristic reality TV series, Sarah and Telv seemed to be well matched and madly keen on each other.

She is beautiful and voluptuous, a beauty expert, and he is a rugged FIFO worker.

But last night the happy couple was at war. Instead of listening to Sarah speak, Telv made the mistake of engaging with his phone. He did look up and start to concentrate after a couple of seconds, but it was far too late.

As a result they haven’t been talking for 24 hours which really would be a relief considering the amount of time they’ve had to spend in each other’s company since the phoney marriage, euphemistically called a commitment ceremony.

For the uninitiated Channel Nine’s MAFS throws two strangers together and forces them to cohabit for several weeks under various, extenuating circumstances until they end up splitting or trying to kill each other.

As far as I know, since the show’s inception there has only been one case of actual marriage.

Personally I blame Sarah for the bust up with Telv. Can’t the man have a bit of peace? He went along with the make-overs. The oysters. Waited until she was ready to engage in sexual intercourse. Now at the first hiccup it’s a duel at 10 paces. To make matters worse this was the week the couples introduced their respective families to each other.

Can you imagine it? There’s Telv’s mum and dad and sister sitting opposite Sarah’s two brothers and what does Sarah want to do? She wants to talk about it.

“No!” I kept yelling to Sarah inside the screen. “Nobody wants to talk about it.”

Telv’s family was already deeply embarrassed to be sitting at a table with strangers and being filmed to boot and Sarah’s brothers, similarly, were choking on their pasta.

Given that their families really would have preferred to be beamed up by Scotty, Sarah took herself off to the bathroom in a huff where the crew filmed her sitting on the toilet crying her eyes out and simultaneously dabbing her mascara.

In her absence the puzzled Telv turned to one of Sarah’s brothers, wide-eyed, in bewilderment.

“Mate, how can I apologise for something I don’t reckon was wrong?” he quite rightly asks.

Sarah’s bro says words to the effect: “Gee mate, I reckon you’ve been doing a great job.

“You should have seen some of the other blokes she used to go out with, real losers you know?”

You can see why this is great television. I simply have to keep watching the train wrecks.

– Dianne Dempsey